December 2011
49 posts
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So Amber and I decided it would be amazing if...
So I just woke up and found $5 in my underwear
thank you mystery bar person I do not remember, you’re buying me breakfast this morning
Heading out to le bar about to get very drunk and...
Best thing I've heard all day
Since they’re running low on coal Santa’s giving all the naughty children this year Nickleback CDs
Christmas Morning
My mother can take apart a M-16 and put it back together but she can’t figure out how to put this Nerf gun together.
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Sorta talking about Christmas gifts
[My mother told me she refuses to buy me cheap batman stuff because the symbol looks bad and she knows it would bother me]
Me: Oh do you want to know about my most recent boyish purchase
Mom: Sure what did you get
Me: I just bought some Batman Gotham grape shampoo and conditioner it's awesome except it makes me smell like a pitcher of Kool-aide
Mom: I don't know i think it would be kind of a turn on if a guy smelled like Kool-aide, the only thing better than that would be if he smelled like chocolate chip cookies.
Me: yes mom that is how I do it, I lure them in with my dessert smelling pheromones and then when they're properly seduced by my scent I hit them over the head with a blunt object and have my way.
Why TJ, what did you do today?
Well I got up and studied for my last final, took the final and did pretty well. Came home and touched myself inappropriately to celebrate. Watched a ton of Never Mind The Buzzcocks episodes and now I’m heading to work.
“Contradictions do not exist. Whenever you think you are facing a contradiction,...”
– Ayn Rand (via capedcrusaders)
“I don’t like this guy hes got a pig nose, makes me think of eating pork...”
– David [On Grindr]
David's mall experience at somerset
David [Sees a guy he thinks is hot walking the other direction] Quick James do something he's getting away
James: [Falls on his face right in front of the guy blocking him]
Guy: [Steps right over James and keeps walking]
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“People who say they don’t swear, they’ve just not had the right sex...”
– Russel Howard’s Mom [Russel Howard Live 2008]
Going to go finish my Christmas Shopping
I have no clue what I’m gonna get my mom but is it mean that i want to get my 16 yo cousin a pregnancy test? Perhaps it might be a tiny bit racist because her Boyfriend is black but i just think it will be funny for her to open it in front of her mother.
“The very first rule of Scooby-Doo, the single premise that sits at the heart of...”
– Chris Sims, Ask Chris #81 (via ragnell)
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Talking about how stupid I think my roommate's...
Chris: I just don't show how smart I am because most of those people come off as assholes
Grayson: That's how I feel
Me: I'm not an asshole because I think I'm smart I just hate people
Grayson: We know that's why we're friends with you
Me: Damn I'll have to work on my bitterness then I prefer when people don't like me then I don't have to ever pretend to be nice to them
Chris: No if you were ever nice to me I'd be offended
Grayson: If you were actually nice to me I'd think you'd been abducted or something
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I met the mayor of Livonia tonight on my shift
Lets just say it didn’t go well.
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Downside to be a 8yo trapped in a 21yo
My Batman Gotham grape shampoo and conditioner makes me smell like a walking pitcher of Kool-aide. The line for future dates starts here… No one, oh that’s what I thought
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What I learned on campus today on my last day of...
Apparently I have no clue when people are trying to flirt with me
Dear Universe,
Thanks for kicking me in the balls today, I really appreciated it. “Batman napalmed my arm, he knocked me off a building just when I was starting to feel good about myself” In the words of Selina Kyle, just when I was beginning to feel good about myself some thing had to come along and ruin it. I finally have a good job working for the City of Livonia, and yes its custodial but the...
Just when I thought people couldn't let me down...
This is why I’m a shut in recluse with no friends. It’s not like I ask for much: Some amount of intelligence drug-free sense of humor genuine …It’s a really good thing I take pride in the fact that I’m dead on the inside.
“I think the reason why twentysomethings are so fixated on age is because we feel...”
– “Why Twentysomethings Always Feel So Old”, Ryan O’Connell (via goodtimesgoddess)
Just rearranging my room made me feel better...
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“I never knew that our romance had ended
Until you poisoned my food;
And I...”
– Say we’re Sweethearts Again from 1944’s “Meet The People” Or More Recently Sung By Harley Quinn in Harleyquinnade…
I went to the no-no place today...
So my week was shit, and shit isn’t even a good word to describe it. My Two jobs killed me, and I’ve gotten maybe 9 hours of sleep in the past 5 days because I’ve been staying up till 8AM to work on finals. Today was my day off and after class I just wanted to go have some mindless fun at the Casino…which I did. Frankly it’s pretty much a trap since you can see the...
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Damn teenagers
[The 6 stoned teenagers who've been loud as fuck all night are finally leaving]
Chris: Alright bye TJ
Me: You're guys are all leaving now, damn just as i was starting to have fun
Grayson: We know you'll miss us
Me: I'll miss the urge to kill that flows over me when you're all here
Grayson: When did you become so bitter and mean?
Me: I don't know one day I just woke up and was dead on the inside.
Grayson: Damn man I use to be bitter when I lived with my parents
Me: I'm not really bitter I just hate people
Grayson: Why
Me: Because they have feelings and get offended when I hurt them...
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David's Life Lesson #4104 [Pertaining to customer...
If you’re going to be bitchy or an asshole don’t give people a lot of options.
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My ability to be lazy astounds even ME!
I have two huge projects due on Wednesday in my computer class and I’ve known about them for almost three weeks. I started working on them when they were first assigned and then stopped to do other stuff, now I have to finish them and I have school and work all day on Tuesday and work 8AM till 3AM on Wednesday. Honestly I fucking suck, I mean I do work two jobs but I had all day on Friday to...
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“If there is an infinite aspect to space, it is not its expansion but its...”
– Slavenka Drakulic [How we survied communism and even laughed]
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Reasons why I can't watch football
[The guys at work put on the lions game even though I was there first and wanted to watch Fox] Announcer: Yessssssss a tremendous tight end Me: Giggle Announcer: What the lions need is Penetration Me: Giggle Announcer: Long time Titan tight end Me: Giggle Everyone I work with: [Glare]
